Monday, 26 May 2014


The story of Raijin begins in 1944. His grand-father was a high ranking officer in the Japanese Imperial Navy. He and some colleagues had been on leave for a few days when they were flying back with a few of their favourite concubines. Their plane crashed over a remote South Pacific island. The marooned crew, after waiting months with no avail for a rescue party, accepted their fate and began a thriving little colony on the island. All throughout, word that the war was over never reached the isolated island, and all boys born on the island were trained to be elite warriors, in the strictest Bushido tradition. Once re-connected to the war effort, these men would unleash swift retribution unto any enemy. But rescue never came for Raijin's father, and so when Raijin was born (like his father, he is named for the God of Thunder), a new generation of warriors emerged.

Last year, a Japanese whaling boat wandered upon the island whilst trying to avoid Greepeace activists. The “scientists” aboard were astonished to find the colony of almost sixty inhabitants, Raijin included. Although raised in traditional Japanese fashion, Raijin was completely unprepared for modern Japanese life. Once he got over the fact that they had lost the war (kinda bursting a huge myth bubble of the invincibility of the Japanese warrior), he is now trying to wrap his head around Hello Kitty, amongst other things. He is seeing a shrink thrice weekly. After contemplating seppuku, he instead turned his physical prowess to dominating the Dance Dance Revolution. He's like a ninja at it.

Wednesday, 7 May 2014


Tyrone took over his Uncle's barbecue joint, Ol' Jumbo's Chicken & Ribs, in 1994, and has since been churning out some of the best ribs in the Carolinas for the past two decades. That being said, so does Jeb's Oink Pit across town. The smoked rib rivalry between the two has been going on since the Johnson administration, and was for the large part a friendly one. But all that changed last year when Jeb passed on the Oink Pit to his grandson, Jeb III (or Junior Junior, as he is called in the family). Jr. Jr. recently got Netflix, and began watching House of Cards. Seeing the success of the BBQ joint in that series, he began a letter writing campaign to all local congressman & senators to patronise his rib joint. Tyrone, hearing of this, decided to follow suit, and added mayors and sheriffs to his mailing list, too.
Each elected official showing up resulted in photos being taken and sent to the rival restaurant. When Tyrone heard that Jr. Jr. was spreading lies that Ol' Jumbo's was making political donations to the other party, he knew the gloves were off. He snuck in one night and replaced all of Jr. Jr.'s sugar with salt, and paprika with cayenne.
The next day, when he tasted his sauce just before opening, Jr. Jr. had a nasty surprise... and had to cancel an order for a baseball tournament. Coincidentally, Tyrone had an extra thirty full racks already done when the tournament organisers called in a panic to find ribs. Ah... Tyrone.... You sneaky bastard.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Eldrige "Chubbs" Ferguson

Chubbs is perhaps best known as the front-man for his band, Chubbs Ferguson & the Hound Harbor Tugboats. The only seven- (Yes! SEVEN!) time winner of the Southeast Olde-Tyme Music Association artist of the year, he was also inducted last year in Mountain Music Hall of Fame. His talent on the dobro is so extreme, it has become commonplace for other squirrels in the music scene to aspire to having "chops like Chubbs". Unfortunately, since "the accident", Chubbs doesn't tour much anymore. He claims it is because of back pain, but many say it's for the shame of it all. Last spring, after a sold-out show in Wichita, his car was found in the morning wrapped around a telephone pole along Route 15. When the police found him, he was unconscious, and two nubile prairie dogs, half his age, were barely clinging onto life in the back seat. The police report states he suffered a mild heart attack, but most suspect the real cause was his penchant for Zima.